My blog is kind of my journal after all and I did warn people that it isn't going to be all unicorns all the time on here. Sometimes my life has crappiness and I have crappy feelings.
I'm sure I won't be able to put into exact words what it is that I am going through. maybe someday I might be able to express my feelings adequately but I'll give it a try
I am sad.
Kellan had latch problems when he was born. it lasted for about two weeks or something like that, but because of that I had to pump to allow my breasts to heal because they were blistered, bleeding, and sore. Because of having to pump I had a very close idea of how much milk I was making. Because pumping doesn't empty the milk as effectively as a baby would I don't know the exact amount... however, I knew that I just was NOT making enough. So we tried pumping every two hours and then feed him with a bottle what I just pumped. it didn't take long before he was needing more than I could make and pumping all the time like that leaves me with no time for much else, so my routine was this - pump, feed, change diaper, maybe get a few minutes of snuggle time, hope he stays happy enough for me to pump, repeat. in between that try to get some food for myself. Never mind a shower, I don't have time... and so on.
the fact that my boobs are just not working has been taking a highly emotional toll. I have never had supply problems on this scale before. With Connor he was just eating ALL the time that I was never able to pump a bottle for Tim to feed him, but I always had enough to feed him and keep him alive. But this time... if left up to my body's ability to lactate this time, Kellan would have starved to death a long time ago (makes me feel like crap). because of that we've had to supplement with formula. that makes me feel like crap. Plus formula hurts his tummy and so it is NOT the best thing for him and that too makes me feel like crap. But I think what bothers me the most is this. I've had a couple of people comment, thinking that I feel bad about not having that closeness you have with breastfeeding. yeah a tiny bit, but really it's this - what is supposed to set me apart from every other person in the world in regards to my baby (being able to make food for him) isn't working, so what good am I? I'm no different than anyone else to him. I feel so completely worthless because, hey, now anyone can be his mama.
Now everyone will say "that's not true" and they will try to tell me just how I'm this or that and no one else can this and or that and that is somehow supposed to make me feel like being broken like I am is not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I am broken and I am less and it hurts me.
In an attempt to make me work properly, I've been taking a medicine called Domperidone. it is a dopamine blocker and is supposed to allowe my own prolactin hormones to become effective and therefore allow me to lactate better. even taking this medication I am only able to manage 2 ounces (a rare 3) each time I pump (sometimes a bit less). Kellan needs at least 4. without this medicine I can only manage 3/4 of an ounce with both breasts. for some reason my doctor doesn't seem to think that it is a proven medication and is not going to prescribe it anymore for me so as soon as I run out, that's it.
I'm looking at completely failing and being 100% useless in less than two weeks.
I'm no more than a baby sitter at that point.
so now I will always wonder if I would have ever been successful if we had never gone to a bottle. Kellan would never have known the difference between my useless breasts and a speedy bottle and maybe he would have had to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes like Connor did, but it just might have worked. Now I'll never know.
This doesn't even begin to explain what I'm going through. And I'm sorry if you see me lose it here and there and just cry. I'll try not to cry very long, but it is going to happen from time to time.
