My blog is kind of my journal after all and I did warn people that it isn't going to be all unicorns all the time on here. Sometimes my life has crappiness and I have crappy feelings.
I'm sure I won't be able to put into exact words what it is that I am going through. maybe someday I might be able to express my feelings adequately but I'll give it a try
I am sad.
Kellan had latch problems when he was born. it lasted for about two weeks or something like that, but because of that I had to pump to allow my breasts to heal because they were blistered, bleeding, and sore. Because of having to pump I had a very close idea of how much milk I was making. Because pumping doesn't empty the milk as effectively as a baby would I don't know the exact amount... however, I knew that I just was NOT making enough. So we tried pumping every two hours and then feed him with a bottle what I just pumped. it didn't take long before he was needing more than I could make and pumping all the time like that leaves me with no time for much else, so my routine was this - pump, feed, change diaper, maybe get a few minutes of snuggle time, hope he stays happy enough for me to pump, repeat. in between that try to get some food for myself. Never mind a shower, I don't have time... and so on.
the fact that my boobs are just not working has been taking a highly emotional toll. I have never had supply problems on this scale before. With Connor he was just eating ALL the time that I was never able to pump a bottle for Tim to feed him, but I always had enough to feed him and keep him alive. But this time... if left up to my body's ability to lactate this time, Kellan would have starved to death a long time ago (makes me feel like crap). because of that we've had to supplement with formula. that makes me feel like crap. Plus formula hurts his tummy and so it is NOT the best thing for him and that too makes me feel like crap. But I think what bothers me the most is this. I've had a couple of people comment, thinking that I feel bad about not having that closeness you have with breastfeeding. yeah a tiny bit, but really it's this - what is supposed to set me apart from every other person in the world in regards to my baby (being able to make food for him) isn't working, so what good am I? I'm no different than anyone else to him. I feel so completely worthless because, hey, now anyone can be his mama.
Now everyone will say "that's not true" and they will try to tell me just how I'm this or that and no one else can this and or that and that is somehow supposed to make me feel like being broken like I am is not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I am broken and I am less and it hurts me.
In an attempt to make me work properly, I've been taking a medicine called Domperidone. it is a dopamine blocker and is supposed to allowe my own prolactin hormones to become effective and therefore allow me to lactate better. even taking this medication I am only able to manage 2 ounces (a rare 3) each time I pump (sometimes a bit less). Kellan needs at least 4. without this medicine I can only manage 3/4 of an ounce with both breasts. for some reason my doctor doesn't seem to think that it is a proven medication and is not going to prescribe it anymore for me so as soon as I run out, that's it.
I'm looking at completely failing and being 100% useless in less than two weeks.
I'm no more than a baby sitter at that point.
so now I will always wonder if I would have ever been successful if we had never gone to a bottle. Kellan would never have known the difference between my useless breasts and a speedy bottle and maybe he would have had to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes like Connor did, but it just might have worked. Now I'll never know.
This doesn't even begin to explain what I'm going through. And I'm sorry if you see me lose it here and there and just cry. I'll try not to cry very long, but it is going to happen from time to time.
1 comment:
Oh, I so know what you mean about feeling like a failure! My complete failure moments both happened with Brady. The first came when I ended up having to deliver him via emergency c-section. For three years I anguished over the fact that I just wasn't "woman enough" to be able to deliver a baby normally. My body had betrayed me. What was wrong with me that I couldn't even deliver a baby in the "normal" way? I cried and cried for a long time and felt completely worthless. I almost didn't want to have any other kids because what was the point? I couldn't deliver them the way that every other woman could. It wasn't a "real" birth. When I was pregnant with Brynn I, in my hormonal state, made a deal with God. If I was at all able to deliver her in the "normal" way then I begged him to let me go into labor before my scheduled c-section date. If I didn't go into labor before that time, then I would accept the fact that my body just wasn't supposed to deliver babies that way. I didn't go into labor before my delivery date. BUT, my doubts were set aside when we got to the hospital and were getting all prepped for surgery. The nurse attached the baby monitors to my stomach and then inhaled quickly. She said, "Did you know that you are in labor?" I was apparently having huge contactions and I wasn't feeling a thing. To me, that was God's answer that even though I wasn't doing my deliveries the normal way, He was still conscious of me and aware of my fears and concerns and aware of what was safe for me. I never had any issues with the c-sections for Logan or Lukas after that. I knew that that was MY normal, and the safest way of delivery for my babies and me. Anyway, the second "failure" was along the same lines as yours. I started losing my milk supply when Brady was five months old. He'd had a rough start with latching on from the beginning, too, but we figured it out. My problem was going back to work. Despite me taking pumping breaks at work, I just couldnt' keep up my supply. With the help of some drops called More Milk Plus (from Motherlove Herbal Company), I was able to keep up my supply for another two months before I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like such a massive failure when we had to go completely to formula. There were many, many tears shed on my part. It helped, though, to know that Brady wasn't crying anymore because he was starving. I used the drops for a little while with Logan, too, when we went through a rough patch before he started eating seriously again. I really do understand that 'failure as a mom' feeling. Even though it's been 11 years since all of it happened with Brady, I still sometimes feel those twinges of regret. But, he's happy and healthy and he loves me, despite the fact that I couldn't keep nursing him for very long. And, there will NEVER be anyone who can replace mom, even if she can't give him much breast milk. You may not be supplying him with that milk, but there's no one else that smells like you and there will never be a sweeter voice to his little ears!
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