I'm struggling.  You don't want to hear me say this so you don't have to read it.  I just need to get it out.  Maybe put it in terms that help me not succum to my horrible crap self, or maybe it will make things worse.  All I know is that keeping in here, building in self hatred pressure and then it's seeping out just makes me the worst possible person.

More and more I just feel like I'm the most worthless being there ever was.  I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm the last person anyone here ever listens to.  I have no purpose and no value.  It's hard to feel like much of a mother or a wife when I hardly feel like I'm worth being the cook or baby sitter. Most days I only feel like the cook and the babysitter (and like I said, not even good enough to be that. Certainly not the "wife" or "mother")

I've had 6 kids. It ruined me, stretched and mangled, totally and apparently irreversibly. I nursed and nursed them as long as I could, first because it was the best for them - with the exception of Kellan. I still have heartbreaking, self loathing feelings about that. Look it up.
Doctors are horrid liars! All that breastfeeding and I just got fatter and uglier.
Recently, in an attempt to improve myself I've started walking every couple of days.  A mile here a mile and a half there.  While I don't expect to have lost 1,000 in the last two months, I would have expected to not get fatter and uglier.  Well that's what has actually happened.

I don't think I had any real vanity when I was young.  In fact I never thought much of my looks.  Maybe that's not 100% true.  Once in high school I went shopping for a new swim suit and just for kicks I tried on a bikini.  I looked really great.  Now I don't even want anyone to see me with even long jeans and a parka, I'm just that embarrassing.  Sure I'm putting a lot of value in being thinner and cute. Who doesn't? Hell,  it's had a impressive effect in every part of my life, so yeah I put a great value on being beautiful (or ugly as this case is) So on the whole I'm not even worth a penny that's been run over by a train and then thrown down a garbage disposal.