For the last month Tim has not felt well at all.  A near week of migraine followed by three weeks of abdominal pain.  We went to this doctor and that doctor so he could finally see his GI doctor with who he has a history.  We've been worried that he had another ulcer.  We've been really worried about that.  Last week he went in for a CT scan and the nurse who called with the results said it was "essentially normal".  What the heck does that mean?
This morning/afternoon he had an endoscopy done with his GI doctor.  I have to say I hardly know Dr. Takis but I love that man.
We have a ways to go until he's all better but there's no ulcer, no cancer, no iminant death!

I'm struggling.  You don't want to hear me say this so you don't have to read it.  I just need to get it out.  Maybe put it in terms that help me not succum to my horrible crap self, or maybe it will make things worse.  All I know is that keeping in here, building in self hatred pressure and then it's seeping out just makes me the worst possible person.

More and more I just feel like I'm the most worthless being there ever was.  I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm the last person anyone here ever listens to.  I have no purpose and no value.  It's hard to feel like much of a mother or a wife when I hardly feel like I'm worth being the cook or baby sitter. Most days I only feel like the cook and the babysitter (and like I said, not even good enough to be that. Certainly not the "wife" or "mother")

I've had 6 kids. It ruined me, stretched and mangled, totally and apparently irreversibly. I nursed and nursed them as long as I could, first because it was the best for them - with the exception of Kellan. I still have heartbreaking, self loathing feelings about that. Look it up.
Doctors are horrid liars! All that breastfeeding and I just got fatter and uglier.
Recently, in an attempt to improve myself I've started walking every couple of days.  A mile here a mile and a half there.  While I don't expect to have lost 1,000 in the last two months, I would have expected to not get fatter and uglier.  Well that's what has actually happened.

I don't think I had any real vanity when I was young.  In fact I never thought much of my looks.  Maybe that's not 100% true.  Once in high school I went shopping for a new swim suit and just for kicks I tried on a bikini.  I looked really great.  Now I don't even want anyone to see me with even long jeans and a parka, I'm just that embarrassing.  Sure I'm putting a lot of value in being thinner and cute. Who doesn't? Hell,  it's had a impressive effect in every part of my life, so yeah I put a great value on being beautiful (or ugly as this case is) So on the whole I'm not even worth a penny that's been run over by a train and then thrown down a garbage disposal.

birthdays

I'm far from getting caught up on all the things that have happened in our lives over the last couple of years.  oh well, I'll just try to remember to add something sometimes.

just when I was feeling like I should add some to my records I had a MASSIVE computer crash.  not the end of the world kind, but it was a very big inconvenience.  something happened to corrupt a boot file on my computer.  not only that but my motherboard could not see that I had a hard drive connected.
I spent a few hours freaking out and feeling ill.  but then I reminded myself that I have all my photos saved on a separate, external drive and so I wasn't losing years of baby pictures and memories.
I can access my email on my laptop.  I can connect to the internet via other means.
the biggest pain in the rear was that my outlook with all my appointments, contacts, and bill pay information is on my main computer.  Also my photo editing program is used much easier on my desktop computer vs. my laptop - I didn't want to have to install my photoshop on my laptop only because of it being annoying.  (main computer has a much larger monitor)

after working on the problem for a short time, Tim discovered that everything on my hard drive was intact.  YAY!  that helped me keep calm for the next 6 days.
Very long story short.  He fixed it for me!  He's so nice to me :)
next problem was this morning!  I had to re-install my photo editing software anyway  because of the work required to fix my boot problems.
well, it's fixed now too!  so now I can show you pictures of the birthdays.
Here goes....

Tim had one 'girlfriend'.  that had better be me  ;)

that's the only picture of Tim's birthday that I am going to show.  he doesn't usually like for me to take his picture.
On to Ronan's birthday

I did not get a picture of him just posing for his birthday.  I've slacked on that over the last couple of years.

Ronan had been pestering me to go to the park for weeks.  the previous week he let me know that he invited his friend to come for his birthday.  She had her heart so set on doing something with him on his birthday that I decided that the park seemed like the best idea.

here the kids are playing with Mickey at the park. 

I massively touched up this picture because he was so danged cute, but he had a very dirty face.

Ronan running across the jungle gym bridge

 Kellan wearing Ronan's birthday present from Grandma and Grandpa.
Ronan has been wearing it daily and sometimes nightly ever since.

lighting his candles

 Ronan with his cake and seven candles in the shape of a 7

 opening more presents

Ronan had a great day!  he was so excited from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed.
the weird thing for me is that I'm sure he's older than 7.  the dates prove me wrong but I could have sworn he was older than that.

four weeks later

I still have to work on the pictures... maybe some before and after pictures after this weekend

Erica moved.

she got her own apartment and is living the grown up life.
we moved her in four weeks ago and at first it was the easiest thing in the world.  I knew we were taking her there to leave her there, but when it was time to go...

I gave her a good-bye hug and couldn't let go and I cried.
images from 19 1/2 years ago kept flooding to the front of my mind.  mostly my tiny new person laying in her hospital bassinet waiting for me to give her a name, how every name I'd thought of until that moment was just wrong.
every time I tried to let go of her it became that much harder to straighten out my arms and take a step back.

I finally did.  it took a while, but I did.  then the rest of us got into the car.
I bawled.  I made ugly contorted faces as I tried to get my self under control but I just couldn't do it. so I quit trying and let myself have a moment of streaming tears.
because it had been an emotionally long day already and with the four youngest kids at home we stopped for pizza.  on the way I made some ugly gasping noises and cried a little more but tried really hard to calm down so I wouldn't have a huge, red, blotchy face at Papa Murphy's.


I'm still emotional writing about it, but at least I'm not gulping down my sobs as I type - just watery eyes.

but she's doing well.  working and finishing up this semester of school and taking care of herself.

I really don't feel like I would have ever been ready for this and it's only the beginning.  in only a few years we'll be doing this all over again with Timothy and then a few years after that... then a few years after that... then a few years after that... then a few years after that 

my dancing baby

when we got home last night we found that they were listening to Erica's ipod through the AppleTV and Kellan just can't help himself

AWESOME

Ronan's Spring Concert

so the video quality is great (thanks Doreen, the camera is amazing) but because I was all the way in the back of the cafeteria/theater area the video is a bit unsteady.

but I recorded all the songs that Ronan did and hopefully blogger can handle it.

terminology!!!

earlier today the kids were listening to music and dancing in the living room

Gungam Style came on and Connor says to me
"sometime his Korea speak sounds like naughty words"

Korea speak!!!
yeah, sorry, I can't stop laughing