four weeks later

I still have to work on the pictures... maybe some before and after pictures after this weekend

Erica moved.

she got her own apartment and is living the grown up life.
we moved her in four weeks ago and at first it was the easiest thing in the world.  I knew we were taking her there to leave her there, but when it was time to go...

I gave her a good-bye hug and couldn't let go and I cried.
images from 19 1/2 years ago kept flooding to the front of my mind.  mostly my tiny new person laying in her hospital bassinet waiting for me to give her a name, how every name I'd thought of until that moment was just wrong.
every time I tried to let go of her it became that much harder to straighten out my arms and take a step back.

I finally did.  it took a while, but I did.  then the rest of us got into the car.
I bawled.  I made ugly contorted faces as I tried to get my self under control but I just couldn't do it. so I quit trying and let myself have a moment of streaming tears.
because it had been an emotionally long day already and with the four youngest kids at home we stopped for pizza.  on the way I made some ugly gasping noises and cried a little more but tried really hard to calm down so I wouldn't have a huge, red, blotchy face at Papa Murphy's.


I'm still emotional writing about it, but at least I'm not gulping down my sobs as I type - just watery eyes.

but she's doing well.  working and finishing up this semester of school and taking care of herself.

I really don't feel like I would have ever been ready for this and it's only the beginning.  in only a few years we'll be doing this all over again with Timothy and then a few years after that... then a few years after that... then a few years after that... then a few years after that