Christmas prep is almost done

so far this month we've had two birthdays.  Erica, then the next day Timothy.
I keep forgetting that Timothy is 16!  the other day I was thinking about it and was just floored when I realized he is not 14 anymore.  I think it's harder for me to remember his age because he has been so very tall for so very long.  it's almost like he's frozen in the age he was when I noticed that he was much taller than me - not that achieving that height is difficult...

Erica is 19.  that's not hard for me to remember.  it's a constant reminder of my old age :)
next year she will be half my age and therefore I will be twice her age.  Ugh.
perhaps I shouldn't think of it like that but I just can't seem to help it.


so then Amy had her Gingerbread party.  yep, she made houses for the 19 year old 'kids'.  she didn't make one for the 6 month old so in total she made and assembled, for the kids' decoration pleasure, 17 gingerbread houses.
oh my!
I think next year those (then) 20 year old kids should help her bake and put them together instead of getting their own.   that still leaves 15 houses for her (them) to make.

but the biggest deal (apart from the birthdays and Christmas it's self) for me is that today I wrapped the last of the presents and I packed - in ziplocks - all the Christmas Stocking candy for each of the kids.
that way when Santa comes he won't have to stay awake until 2am sorting through the candy for 6 kids
I had this epiphany last year when I had a 6 week old baby and I was a bit sleep deprived and wanted to spend as much night actually sleeping, et voila! wonderful inspiration.
why oh why did it take me 18 years of motherhood to figure out that gem!

now I only need to pick up a few perishable items that I don't want to have for a week... I'll get some vegetables for a tray and some clementines that we all love and I need to get a pomegranate, mostly for Timothy, and a couple of other items and we're all set!  YAY

yeah, I realize it's been a month

but really it's been more like a year.  I've missed a lot of things since Erica's graduation and that's really not a great way to keep records of one's life.
I'll try to sit down and recall some of the year at a later date. but in the mean time I have many things that are keeping me busy and kids monopolizing the computer

several months back Emma's friend came for a visit and it was a wonderful time for Emma and all the younger kids were all a buzz about having her over.  but then it was time to say good bye and we didn't think we would get to see her any time soon.

well, today she is going to be up again for a short visit.  again the kids are in an emotional tizzy with anticipation of seeing young miss Bailey.
it will be fun to see her, she is a delightful young lady.

recently it was her birthday and Emma wanted to make something for her.  So she painted a picture for her friend.  Emma was going to mail it to her, but then we got an email asking about stopping by for a tiny bit today and so Emma was very happy to be able to give her present to her directly.

my boy Connor

the fan in the background is a bit loud, but the physical comedy is the real star

is it a good thing or a bad thing?

her first taste of lobster didn't exactly live up to her expectations.
on one hand I feel bad for her that it wasn't wonderful and the ultimate of pure bliss. 

but on the other hand, what a relief that she isn't going to be begging me to make it at home (at great cost because, DANG! that stuff is expensive)

although I like lobster I have to say it isn't my favorite either.  I like shrimp more, but even more than that, I LOVE crab.  but that's just about as expensive as lobster.

on the whole I think she was happier with the shrimp and the mashed potatoes.
but it was the experience that mattered and even though it wasn't what she had hoped for it was still a good experience

up coming Birthday girl

many months ago (I can't remember how long now, it's been that long) there was a commercial on TV for Red Lobster.  Emma watched the buttery and saucy food much the way I would, with a vacant stare and salivating mouth.  after the commercial was over she turned to me and told me that she really wanted to try eating lobster.
we'll get shrimp sometimes and I'll make clam chowder in the fall and winter but I've never cooked lobster because a) it's expensive even for one person, let alone 7 or 8   and b) I don't have the nerve to try cooking lobster.

I told her that maybe for her birthday we would have to go to Red Lobster so she could have a try.  she is holding me to that suggestion.  fortunately I had a gift card on my desk and then yesterday I discovered that I still had one in my purse that Tim and I were going to use when Kellan was born and then we had just one frazzling disaster right after the other and I was determined to get out of there on Halloween so I could be home when my kids went trick or treating that we simply forgot to use it.
we now have $50 to spend at Red Lobster!

I will have to take a couple of pictures and tell/show her opinion of lobster :)

first day of school

thirteen years ago she was going to her first day of school ever

 I had very mixed feelings that day.  I was starting a new job in the company I worked and she was starting school.  it was a very emotional day
and then I got a speeding ticket on the way to pick her up from school.

today, thirteen years later.  on her way to her first day of college.

 it was another emotional day but I'm better at dealing with them these days.  my feelings were that of pride in my daughter for taking some grown up steps in her life.  any emotions that rent any tears is more for the passage of time and that of missing my little girl.

 she's not (and hasn't been for a long time) little anymore.

she's been anxious to get started with school.  needing something different to do and different people to meet has been a big part of her desire to go to school.

all as it should be
 

starting band this year

this year Emma will be required to choose either band or choir.  I am really really not a fan of the choir at our school.  that may have more to do with the teacher than much else.  I am praying that Emma does not join choir.  sitting in Erica's choir concerts were the worst.  but that's not the point of this post...

Emma wants to be in band and when I asked her what instrument she wanted to play she said Oboe, because I had once said to her that she should play oboe because I like the sound of them.
we then had a discussion about how she should choose something because she wants to not because I want her to.  so she still said oboe.  but!  oboe is a very difficult instrument to master and when we talked to the people at the music store they said that it would be wiser to start on something that would be easier but similar and work up to it.
so now she has had her heart set on a clarinet, just like Erica.

I stopped by the music store today just on a whim (since I was in town anyway and it was right there) and I went inside and talked about payment options and if they might have a wood clarinet since they sound better.  I was just going to leave with a brochure and a contract for payments to look over but then thought I'd better ask and pick one up since school is about to start and people have been taking all the instruments they can.

so I walked out of there with a clarinet and reasonable monthly payments.

I think she will be terrific

a month and a half later

I really don't know why I don't sit down to write at least a little bit of something here at least once a week.  I really should.  I'm really about a year behind on updating things that have happened in our family and I am kind of forgetting things now that I haven't just jotted it down right away. 

maybe sometime this week I'll try to recap the last year or so but for now I'll recap the last 6 or 7 weeks

 earlier in June, Connor and Ronan both had some birthday money, from my aunt, burning a hole in their pockets.  they love Skylanders games.  the problem with that is the toys that go with the video games are many and even though they cost about $9 - $15, if you were to buy them all you would be spending a couple of hundred dollars in one go.

But because they only cost between $9 and $15 they are affordable for a kid to save up their own money and learn the value of their dollars.
so far they have gotten them as presents and bought a couple of their own and now they have the beginning of a decent collection.  Emma even has a few of them.

 Emma's very delightful friend came to visit.  it was a notable visit because she had moved away a year ago.  Emma was very sad and missed her tremendously.  such very good friends are not so easy to come by.
they had such a wonderful time when she came to visit.  they made earrings together and walked down by the lake.  they laughed and were so happy.  I hope we will get a chance to visit again soon.

Kellan!  started standing for a few moments all by himself.
this picture was taken a day or two before he turned 8 months old.  

a tad behind Ronan in the walking department (Ronan was toddling a few steps alone by this age) but Kellan is ahead of the rest of the kids for this developmental milestone.  

we figure Ronan and Kellan were/are trying to keep up with the rest of the kids and that's been motivation to get up and walk

 I've been working on a blanket to get rid of yarn all over the house.
I'm mostly done with it (more than what this picture shows) and it's a decent size, but I still have a whole bunch of yarn.  it feels like I haven't even made a dent in it!  I know... crazy for making a big heavy blanket in the summer time.  but I've spent most of that time directly in front of a fan and that has helped a lot.  but now it's gotten cold out.  the last few days have been beautifully cold in the morning.  the temperature has dropped to 48* in the night the last couple of nights!  then the rest of the day has been in the high 60s and very low 70s.  in July!

 Mr. Potato is a versatile toy :D
I think Kellan had as much fun putting them on his feet as we did seeing him with potatoes on his feet.
Emma was squealing with laughter... but then again she always does when anything about Kellan is silly.  

 My hollyhocks came up in the back of the house.  Finally!  I planted them two autumns ago and last year they got a bit trampled when we painted the house so they didn't get a chance to grow much more than a little sprout.  I was so thrilled when I went back there cutting out cockle burs thinking that the entire back of the house was covered in burs, but no!  I had more hollyhocks than burs back there and I was ecstatic about it.  they have grown at least another foot or two since I took this picture.
everyone keeps commenting on them about how beautiful they are and how they would like some seeds if that's okay.

Legos are also wonderful toy.  they are even better for the creativity they bring out in kids.  although I think maybe everyone who has ever played with Legos has made a pair of Lego glasses.  I did when I was a kid.

and this brings up mostly up to date on the last 6 weeks... except that Kellan is taking steps on his own.  he's maxed out on about 15 steps unassisted before he decides crawling is still a faster mode of transportation.
on Monday he will be 9  months old and we are going to be taking him to his well check appointment.  we're eager to get a real weight and height on him since he is already wearing 12 month size clothes.

graduation and party

for about the last week we have had a lot to do!
Erica graduated from High School.  I am so proud of her!  she got terrific grades (though she could have done better with a tad more effort - but she still did an wonderful job)
she received a few scholarships which will help her immensely come fall
but best of all, she did it by herself.  
several years ago I learned that if I help with homework all the time I am the only one doing homework.
I changed my approach and helped only when asked and only one problem at a time, meaning if I help you with this problem then I'm done helping you until you have tried your best to figure out the next one.
It worked.  there were some struggles for a while but it got to the point where it became very difficult for me to help her even if she asked me to because she had surpassed my high school education.  (in fact, so has Timothy.  it has been a while since either of them have asked for my help with an assignment)

so the remaining of the post are pictures of the Graduation day (which was on Ronan's birthday so the party that day was for Ronan) and also of Erica's graduation party 6 days later. 

here is my B honor roll student on her way to wait for her diploma

Erica and my niece.


the family.
I'm surprised that connor was behaving well for the camera.  he's usually just as silly as Ronan.

this is the ONLY time I will put my picture here.  all the others show my supreme hideousness and I hate to see me.   No you wont change my mind because I'm right


Erica, niece, and friend

being goofy



along with it being Erica's graduation party, earlier this year Erica (being 18 and legally able to do what she wants to) went through the process to legally change her last name.  she had wanted to do this since she was 3 years old.  yes, really.
because she finally could do so without hassle, we also celebrated the fact that she was also able to legally be identified as herself

 note the underline under her last name.  it's all legal and that is who the state recognizes her to be.

 cutting the cake in very generous portions. :)

 Kellan started out with us and he did pretty well, but it was chilly and all the people there was sensory overload for him so he went in with Daddy for a while

  The lady of the hour...  and my yummy fruit and sandwiches that I made.

it was a really good day and I'm glad it's over.  

enjoying a nice day

last week we had some delightful weather.  I couldn't resist it.  I brought out some music to listen to and a craft to work on, Kellan's walker, bouncy chair and bottle.
we watched birds and saw cars and trucks drive by and Kellan took a nap while we listened to Billie Holiday and Nina Simone.  

it was so relaxing and much needed fresh air. then we came in and I felt like the worst mom in all the land.

even though we spent our time in the shade, enough sun got Kellan to give him a tiny burn.  it was completely faded two days later, but I still felt like a huge jerk

but it hasn't been as nice since then and so I am glad that we spent some time out there.

the highlight of our days...

it has been a very long time since I've written.  I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago.  I got the best best best present in the world!  I've been wanting to have a collection of Audubon Field Guide books for years and years and on rare occasion I would mention that I should get one or two.
my completely incredible husband got me a set for he and my kids to give me one each.

here they are from husband to youngest.


yesterday it was finally nice enough to go for a walk with Kellan!  we walked to the bridge and the kids skipped stones and I took pictures with my ipod (an infinitely inferior camera than my real one)

 on our way to the bridge

 Connor trying to skip a rock.
he managed two skips!

 my finger in the shot...
Daddy and Kellan walking to the lake edge

 bikes and stroller in a row

yep, this scared the crud out of me.
I'm generally a nervous wreck when we're at the bridge

and while the kids skipped stones and clamored around under the bridge I ventured down to the creek with Erica.  I missed a coot fly right past us and under the bridge.  but I did get some footage of Erica poking a dead fish with a stick. apparently the video is too big to post.  I know, you're disappointed.

part of a dead deer found at the other bridge.

Connor hanging in a tree 

Emma looking up birds in my birthday present book

yes, that is our simple life.

poor emotional kid

Ronan has not yet learned how to appropriately direct his feelings.
he was playing on the lap top and the battery was getting low so it needed to be charged.  I guess it was Connor who insisted that he should be done playing because he went stomping out of the room and I heard him telling Connor that he was "the worst brother I ever had"

:(
how sad.  and a little bit funny, but  mostly sad

an observation by Ronan

"I wonder why fireflies are not scared of us to catch them.
but birds and butterflies have a great sensing!  when we come up to them and don't even make a sound they (fans out is hands) fly away"

I love the way that boys mind works

I'm so freaking excited!

keeping tabs on her case, I checked in on the court website to see if there was any kind of change in her file.

We have a court date!

15 years in the waiting.  now we are down to the last couple of weeks!

and now we wait

some may know that when Erica and Timothy were born Tim had not yet become a part of our lives.  :(
some may also know that even before Tim and I were married Timothy and Erica were already calling Tim 'Dad'  - it went from New Dad to Good Dad to Dad.
Tim has been their dad for all these years that it isn't even a thought.  He is their dad. that is all.

so the story in a nut shell is something like this. when Erica was 3 and Timothy was 6 months we packed the tiniest of diaper bags and split!  it really was a - well, we'll just say that we chose life.
ever since that day Erica has been wanting to change her last name.  when my divorce was finalized she asked if she was Erica Osborne and I was very sad to have to tell her no.  then when Tim and I got married she was not yet 8 years old and asked if now she was Erica McGinnis.  sadly no.  but anyone who knows her knows that she goes by McGinnis.
15 years.  a long 15 years have finally come close to the end.  we have filled out the paperwork.  she's been fingerprinted for her background check and as of 4 days ago the papers have been filed.  the prints have been sent. and the fees have been paid.

Now we wait.  we wait for the background check to come back and the court date to be set.  it is almost over.

in 3 more years Timothy is up for the same process.  

I'm so nervous and excited for Erica right now.  and at the end of it we'll have a party - name change/graduation party.
then we wait for 3 more years and do it all over again.

slow going on the blogging front

this week has been a difficult one for blogging.  not because anything is particularly difficult around here (except that everyone is getting a head cold and that even counts Kellan - poor baby)
no.  it's because we've had two days off from school this week and not only is my computer being held hostage in a way, but I have also decided that NOW is the time to finally read the Hobbit and follow that up with The Lord of The Rings.  I guess my next few weeks are booked.  (terrible pun not intended)
in many ways this is (we'll call it) an oversight that I am truly embarrassed about when ever my kids and I talk about the movies.  I am a believer in the saying "the book was better" and the movies are favorites of ours.  people who only ever watch the movie miss so so much of the actual story. but I am still trying to be careful that in my quest to not miss the actual story I don't end up missing the rest of my family.

Kellan is growing normally.  He is talking more and more every day.  it was so funny, when he started trying to make sounds to practice talking he was really quiet about it.  it was like he was very shy.  I kind of think that it's a hereditary thing, shyness.  Both Tim and I are very introverted.  it takes me a really long time to warm up enough to someone to allow myself to be myself.  most of the rest of the kids are the same way.  Emma and Connor spring to mind with Emma in the lead.  I think Kellan is going to be the same way.

Connor had a bad dream the other night.  it involved Willy Wonka.  I may have to tell it some time (before I forget it)

well, I am abruptly ending this entry because we need(ed) to buy Ronan some pants that don't have holes in the knees.
I know... exciting!

the difference a sibling makes

Kellan and I were chatting today and having a good time.  I thought "oh!  I'll grab the video recorder" then this is all he did

I'm not sure what he's trying to do to the camera... maybe taste the light on the front of the recorder?  but it had me cracking up.

then a couple of hours later when the kids were home from school they gave it a whirl.  the result was VERY different 

-I had a little longer video in which Kellan was even more talkative but I guess it was too big to upload since blogger wouldn't let me  :(   -

I suppose the camera is just much more fun to make faces at than to talk to me all alone at home.  the sisters are definitely more fun than the camera

brothers

today Kellan was feeling a little confined being held all the time.  but put him on the floor to roll around and give him some room and he was very lonely.  Ronan is usually the one looking over someone's shoulder to see the video game but today he laid down next to Kellan and Ronan became the big kid allowing the little brother to watch the video game.

Ronan is so good at being a big brother.

- I had wondered how he would behave as an older sibling.  I was very happy to see how well he took to being a big brother.  It really was a night to day difference.  when the kids first got to the hospital to meet Kellan I was stunned to see Ronan walk in the door looking older than ever before. -

the video game didn't keep Kellan's attention for very long (of course) but it helped keep him happy for a little while and it helped Ronan feel like the awesome big kid

big baby

I was willing to accept that the first time Kellan flipped over from back to front was an accident.  he was only 1 month old after all.  then he really didn't want to have anything to do with rolling and turning until today.
He would not sit still and it was making my arms sore trying to keep him in my arms and on my lap so I put a blanket down and prepared myself for crying and screaming.
none of that happened.  I stepped into the next room for about 1 minute and when I walked back in he was on his tummy all by him self.
this really wasn't an accident because (with the slope in our very old floor) he rolled up hill.

he then chewed his hands and fixated on the blanket for about 8 minutes before getting irritated.

he appears to be seriously contemplating the ugly blanket

except that there's nothing serious about that look  :)

finally a picture

I almost missed getting a space between teeth.  I had grabbed the camera and made him stand still for a few shots two days before when there was barely a tooth peeking out.  then I realized that I had forgotten the memory card in the printer and the pictures I took didn't really take.  DOH!
his tooth is coming in so quickly.  I really wouldn't be surprised if he has another tooth fall out in the next couple of weeks.

I don't want to forget this

This happened in October and if I don't put it here it will get lost in Facebook and forgotten forever.

the saddest and the funniest thing I've ever heard at 3am.

Ronan: mamma, I had a bad dream!
Me: oh no, that's terrible!
Ronan: there was a mouse... it could talk.  it said (in a low voice) "I'm going to eat you" and then it licked my face.

WAY too much information Alert

My blog is kind of my journal after all and I did warn people that it isn't going to be all unicorns all the time on here.  Sometimes my life has crappiness and I have crappy feelings.
I'm sure I won't be able to put into exact words what it is that I am going through.  maybe someday I might be able to express my feelings adequately but I'll give it a try

I am sad.
Kellan had latch problems when he was born.  it lasted for about two weeks or something like that, but because of that I had to pump to allow my breasts to heal because they were blistered, bleeding, and sore.  Because of having to pump I had a very close idea of how much milk I was making.  Because pumping doesn't empty the milk as effectively as a baby would I don't know the exact amount... however, I knew that I just was NOT making enough.  So we tried pumping every two hours and then feed him with a bottle what I just pumped.  it didn't take long before he was needing more than I could make and pumping all the time like that leaves me with no time for much else, so my routine was this - pump, feed, change diaper, maybe get a few minutes of snuggle time, hope he stays happy enough for me to pump, repeat.  in between that try to get some food for myself.  Never mind a shower, I don't have time... and so on.
the fact that my boobs are just not working has been taking a highly emotional toll. I have never had supply problems on this scale before.  With Connor he was just eating ALL the time that I was never able to pump a bottle for Tim to feed him, but I always had enough to feed him and keep him alive.  But this time... if left up to my body's ability to lactate this time, Kellan would have starved to death a long time ago (makes me feel like crap).  because of that we've had to supplement with formula.  that makes me feel like crap.  Plus formula hurts his tummy and so it is NOT the best thing for him and that too makes me feel like crap.  But I think what bothers me the most is this.  I've had a couple of people comment, thinking that I feel bad about not having that closeness you have with breastfeeding.  yeah a tiny bit, but really it's this - what is supposed to set me apart from every other person in the world in regards to my baby (being able to make food for him) isn't working, so what good am I?  I'm no different than anyone else to him.  I feel so completely worthless because, hey, now anyone can be his mama.
Now everyone will say "that's not true" and they will try to tell me just how I'm this or that and no one else can this and or that and that is somehow supposed to make me feel like being broken like I am is not a big deal.  Well, it is a big deal.  I am broken and I am less and it hurts me.

In an attempt to make me work properly, I've been taking a medicine called Domperidone.  it is a dopamine blocker and is supposed to allowe my own prolactin hormones to become effective and therefore allow me to lactate better.  even taking this medication I am only able to manage 2 ounces (a rare 3) each time I pump (sometimes a bit less).  Kellan needs at least 4.  without this medicine I can only manage 3/4 of an ounce with both breasts.  for some reason my doctor doesn't seem to think that it is a proven medication and is not going to prescribe it anymore for me so as soon as I run out, that's it.
I'm looking at completely failing and being 100% useless in less than two weeks.
I'm no more than a baby sitter at that point.

so now I will always wonder if I would have ever been successful if we had never gone to a bottle.  Kellan would never have known the difference between my useless breasts and a speedy bottle and maybe he would have had to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes like Connor did, but it just might have worked.  Now I'll never know.
This doesn't even begin to explain what I'm going through.  And I'm sorry if you see me lose it here and there and just cry.  I'll try not to cry very long, but it is going to happen from time to time.

trying to keep up with his changing

I was talking to Kellan today and realized that it has been over a week since I've taken a picture of him.

in fact it's been over a week since I've take a picture at all.  (I had grabbed my camera and made Ronan pose so I could get a picture of his first missing tooth space.  but like the idiot I am, I had forgotten to put the memory card back into my camera.  ARGH!)

anyway...
I grabbed the tiny video camera that I am indefinitely borrowing from Erica since she got her ipod (5th gen. so it has a camera and video capabilities)

it really is hard to get footage of him smiling or 'talking'.  it seemed the moment that I put the camera between the two of us he started to cry.

finally not crying

Macaroni lost his first tooth

on the 9th Ronan lost his first tooth.  the tooth fairy was hardly prepared to stop by until a couple of nights later.  I have yet to take a picture....  posting here might prod me a bit to pick up my camera and take a few.

he had me write a note to the tooth fairy.  that kid had high expectations!  He asked for two 10 dollar bills.  "WOAH!" I said, then I told him the tooth fairy works with 1 dollar bills.  he settled for 2.  :)
then he wanted a bag of candy.  tooth fairy gives candy... keeps her in business I guess.

so when it came time for the tooth fairy to get to work, she found these pictures that Ronan and Emma drew after I sent them to bed.

a big orange flower next to a tooth flower

 tooth flower, tooth brush flower, and tooth paste flower 

I think this is Ronan holding his tooth as drawn by Emma

I almost couldn't find his tooth in order to give him $2.00