and so it goes, and we go for a walk

after last month with Tim's endoscopy and that not telling us much, it's been an emotional jumble for the both of us - really ALL of us, but the kids move on with things much quicker than the grown-ups since we're the ones who have to deal with all the serious stuff.  Tim's been unhappy in ways I can't totally understand but at the same time I do.  He's been on a liquid diet since the middle of July.  after a month and a couple more doctor appointments he's still on a specialized diet and still no answers as to what and why and when for him.

so in the mean time I'm still Ugly, and the kids are still on each other's nerves and mine, too.  SO we went for a walk.  this was a couple of weeks ago now - so I'm doing better about updating the blog :)
Timothy was with his friend doing other stuff and so he's not in the pictures - and Tim doesn't like to have pictures taken of him (I don't know why... at least he still looks wonderful after having 6 kids)

 Kellan and Connor were busy dropping things through the decking at the nature center.

 Emma was ... I'm not really sure what she was up to there.

Ronan kept trying to sneak down under the deck.  we kept having to get after him because Kellan tries to do every single thing that Ronan ever does, so under the deck was a bad idea

 and Kellan was busy having the time of his life: dropping things through the deck, throwing things through the railing, running down the path that lead up to the deck, he was just all over the place. 

and well, this is just a pretty bug we saw on our way back to the car.
I still have to look up just what kind of beetle it is, but I love that pretty, shiny, metalic green

For the last month Tim has not felt well at all.  A near week of migraine followed by three weeks of abdominal pain.  We went to this doctor and that doctor so he could finally see his GI doctor with who he has a history.  We've been worried that he had another ulcer.  We've been really worried about that.  Last week he went in for a CT scan and the nurse who called with the results said it was "essentially normal".  What the heck does that mean?
This morning/afternoon he had an endoscopy done with his GI doctor.  I have to say I hardly know Dr. Takis but I love that man.
We have a ways to go until he's all better but there's no ulcer, no cancer, no iminant death!

I'm struggling.  You don't want to hear me say this so you don't have to read it.  I just need to get it out.  Maybe put it in terms that help me not succum to my horrible crap self, or maybe it will make things worse.  All I know is that keeping in here, building in self hatred pressure and then it's seeping out just makes me the worst possible person.

More and more I just feel like I'm the most worthless being there ever was.  I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm the last person anyone here ever listens to.  I have no purpose and no value.  It's hard to feel like much of a mother or a wife when I hardly feel like I'm worth being the cook or baby sitter. Most days I only feel like the cook and the babysitter (and like I said, not even good enough to be that. Certainly not the "wife" or "mother")

I've had 6 kids. It ruined me, stretched and mangled, totally and apparently irreversibly. I nursed and nursed them as long as I could, first because it was the best for them - with the exception of Kellan. I still have heartbreaking, self loathing feelings about that. Look it up.
Doctors are horrid liars! All that breastfeeding and I just got fatter and uglier.
Recently, in an attempt to improve myself I've started walking every couple of days.  A mile here a mile and a half there.  While I don't expect to have lost 1,000 in the last two months, I would have expected to not get fatter and uglier.  Well that's what has actually happened.

I don't think I had any real vanity when I was young.  In fact I never thought much of my looks.  Maybe that's not 100% true.  Once in high school I went shopping for a new swim suit and just for kicks I tried on a bikini.  I looked really great.  Now I don't even want anyone to see me with even long jeans and a parka, I'm just that embarrassing.  Sure I'm putting a lot of value in being thinner and cute. Who doesn't? Hell,  it's had a impressive effect in every part of my life, so yeah I put a great value on being beautiful (or ugly as this case is) So on the whole I'm not even worth a penny that's been run over by a train and then thrown down a garbage disposal.

birthdays

I'm far from getting caught up on all the things that have happened in our lives over the last couple of years.  oh well, I'll just try to remember to add something sometimes.

just when I was feeling like I should add some to my records I had a MASSIVE computer crash.  not the end of the world kind, but it was a very big inconvenience.  something happened to corrupt a boot file on my computer.  not only that but my motherboard could not see that I had a hard drive connected.
I spent a few hours freaking out and feeling ill.  but then I reminded myself that I have all my photos saved on a separate, external drive and so I wasn't losing years of baby pictures and memories.
I can access my email on my laptop.  I can connect to the internet via other means.
the biggest pain in the rear was that my outlook with all my appointments, contacts, and bill pay information is on my main computer.  Also my photo editing program is used much easier on my desktop computer vs. my laptop - I didn't want to have to install my photoshop on my laptop only because of it being annoying.  (main computer has a much larger monitor)

after working on the problem for a short time, Tim discovered that everything on my hard drive was intact.  YAY!  that helped me keep calm for the next 6 days.
Very long story short.  He fixed it for me!  He's so nice to me :)
next problem was this morning!  I had to re-install my photo editing software anyway  because of the work required to fix my boot problems.
well, it's fixed now too!  so now I can show you pictures of the birthdays.
Here goes....

Tim had one 'girlfriend'.  that had better be me  ;)

that's the only picture of Tim's birthday that I am going to show.  he doesn't usually like for me to take his picture.
On to Ronan's birthday

I did not get a picture of him just posing for his birthday.  I've slacked on that over the last couple of years.

Ronan had been pestering me to go to the park for weeks.  the previous week he let me know that he invited his friend to come for his birthday.  She had her heart so set on doing something with him on his birthday that I decided that the park seemed like the best idea.

here the kids are playing with Mickey at the park. 

I massively touched up this picture because he was so danged cute, but he had a very dirty face.

Ronan running across the jungle gym bridge

 Kellan wearing Ronan's birthday present from Grandma and Grandpa.
Ronan has been wearing it daily and sometimes nightly ever since.

lighting his candles

 Ronan with his cake and seven candles in the shape of a 7

 opening more presents

Ronan had a great day!  he was so excited from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed.
the weird thing for me is that I'm sure he's older than 7.  the dates prove me wrong but I could have sworn he was older than that.

four weeks later

I still have to work on the pictures... maybe some before and after pictures after this weekend

Erica moved.

she got her own apartment and is living the grown up life.
we moved her in four weeks ago and at first it was the easiest thing in the world.  I knew we were taking her there to leave her there, but when it was time to go...

I gave her a good-bye hug and couldn't let go and I cried.
images from 19 1/2 years ago kept flooding to the front of my mind.  mostly my tiny new person laying in her hospital bassinet waiting for me to give her a name, how every name I'd thought of until that moment was just wrong.
every time I tried to let go of her it became that much harder to straighten out my arms and take a step back.

I finally did.  it took a while, but I did.  then the rest of us got into the car.
I bawled.  I made ugly contorted faces as I tried to get my self under control but I just couldn't do it. so I quit trying and let myself have a moment of streaming tears.
because it had been an emotionally long day already and with the four youngest kids at home we stopped for pizza.  on the way I made some ugly gasping noises and cried a little more but tried really hard to calm down so I wouldn't have a huge, red, blotchy face at Papa Murphy's.


I'm still emotional writing about it, but at least I'm not gulping down my sobs as I type - just watery eyes.

but she's doing well.  working and finishing up this semester of school and taking care of herself.

I really don't feel like I would have ever been ready for this and it's only the beginning.  in only a few years we'll be doing this all over again with Timothy and then a few years after that... then a few years after that... then a few years after that... then a few years after that 

my dancing baby

when we got home last night we found that they were listening to Erica's ipod through the AppleTV and Kellan just can't help himself

AWESOME

Ronan's Spring Concert

so the video quality is great (thanks Doreen, the camera is amazing) but because I was all the way in the back of the cafeteria/theater area the video is a bit unsteady.

but I recorded all the songs that Ronan did and hopefully blogger can handle it.

terminology!!!

earlier today the kids were listening to music and dancing in the living room

Gungam Style came on and Connor says to me
"sometime his Korea speak sounds like naughty words"

Korea speak!!!
yeah, sorry, I can't stop laughing

playing in the tub

I missed the first couple of minutes when he just couldn't stop laughing

Kellan loves the water almost as much as Ronan.

maybe he'll be a diver like his grandpa
but I still haven't let him try putting his face in the water.  not until he's old enough to hold his breath.  he'll figure it out soon enough

it was a birthday!

Connor turned 9!
can you believe it?!  I hardly can.

some days he looks so big, other days he still looks like he should be 3 years old. the time is just flying by

I had tried to get a picture of  Connor for his birthday picture, but Kellan wanted to get in on it.

 Kellan loves to steal the show.
but it's okay.  everyone loves him so much that they don't mind when he does.

I'm sure that it won't last much longer, though.

Connor was just beside himself waiting for people to hurry up so we could have cake.
while we were in the living room talking, he was in the kitchen putting the candles on the cake (in the shape of a 9)

yep... that is the same frosting. I didn't get pictures up last year of his birthday, but he did have the same frosting.
I think that makes at least 7 birthday cakes in a row now.  Maybe more, I'm not completely sure.


Grandma and grandpa brought him a remote controlled 4 wheeler.  and there is Kellan back to stealing the show.
he chased that thing back and forth across the floor and did eventually catch it.
but he was so sad the whole time. he just doesn't understand yet that not everything is his.


Ronan was the one buzzing with excitement over giving Connor his present from mom and dad.
I almost didn't get a picture of him getting it open.
don't trust the picture of Connor here... he really was very happy and excited to get a DS game.

it was nice of Connor to let Ronan climb over his shoulder to watch him play.
Ronan is practically sitting in his lap!

it was a pretty fun birthday and they went to sleep playing the game late into the night.  I think I probably fell asleep before these two.

a new year. time to be resolute!

I have been thinking of some personal plans for myself for this new year.  plans that I want to continue throughout the rest of my life (may it be really really long)

in 2012 I was pregnant with Kellan.  also diagnosed with gestational diabetes - though after carefully monitoring my blood sugars for 5 months there is some serious debate as to whether I was diabetic at all!  I kind of feel like that was just a ploy by the clinic to make more money off of me....
anyway, what does this have to do with my 2014 resolutions?  well you see, I lost a lot of weight while pregnant with him.  I felt great about that alone... after he was born and my weight had a few weeks to level off, I had lost 60 pounds.
I was determined to have as healthy of a pregnancy as I could and so we went for walks down to the bridge at least 3 times a week.  not long walks but they were more than I had been doing.
I ate healthier foods when I could stomach any.
I cut pop out of my life - only with the occasional pop when we were grocery shopping and I didn't want to buy a drink of water.  and by occasional I mean really rare.
after my diabetes tests I limited my carbohydrates but it was more like portion control instead of cutting anything else out of my diet.  I was just more aware of how much I was eating or how much I was allowed to eat.  and most of the time I didn't even eat my full day's allowed carbs and I wasn't starving by a long shot.  I actually was full most of the time.

after Kellan was born, I had a lot of emotional crap going on because of my completely useless breasts that wouldn't just do what they were supposed to and make food for my baby.  I do admit that after 4 months of that struggle I threw caution to the wind and just pigged out on any and every comfort food I could get my piggy hands on.  I gained all those esteem boosting 60 pounds back.  no more esteem boost.
it also didn't help that nature was against me.  we had the coldest and longest spring we have ever ever had.  snow in May for crying out loud!  drissle-y cold rain on a daily basis well into June. then we had monster hatchings of mosquitoes after that and there was no way I was going to take my baby out in that plague of insects for a walk to the bridge.  we did go for a few walks down there, but it wasn't anything like 3 a week... it was more like 3 a month.

I don't have a baby growing in me to help speed along metabolism, but everything else is sound.
more exercise, healthier eating, no pop.  I'm never going to be a bombshell like I was when I was in my 20s, but I'm not going to look like this evil gingerbread dwelling hag anymore.