this is the moment that I quit

really I just expect too much of my life, I guess. it really is too much to hope that anything will go well and I've just had enough of it all.
so this is the moment that I quit hoping. because it (what ever it is) will never come to pass.

I'm tired of beating my head against the brick wall called my lazy children. I, therefore, quit telling them what to do because they will never listen to me anyway.
I'm tired of hating myself because I'm fat and ugly. I know that I wont stop hating that fact, but at least I know that is never going to change so why bother.
I'm tired of hearing people, with more, complain how they don't have enough. I just quit wasting my mind hearing you, because you have nothing to bitch about. you have more than most so shut up because my youngest child needs his teeth fixed and we can't afford it. the van broke down and we can't afford to fix that - probably until next year, the car broke down and we can't afford to fix that (again) but I will scrape together what infinitesimal amount of money we have and make sure that gets done so Tim can still go to work so we don't get kicked out of our "house". my "house" needs paint and we can't even afford to do that! so tell me how your gym membership and your babysitter and your new car and your new house and your spa treatments just aren't cutting it for you, 'cuz my heart bleeds for you

I'm finished hoping that there may be a moment that I can just be Abby. I had kids, Abby does not exist anymore. I can't think. I've become stupid since I had kids. everything that used to be me is so far suppressed that it has drowned in a sea of what most people love to call motherhood. there is never a moment when someone doesn't demand me to pull their puppet strings (odd since they never listen) and tell them what fun they should do (and this is also odd since nothing I ever suggest is ever good enough of an idea *again proof that I've become stupid after children)
get this for me, do that for me, look at me right now, make me food, pick up my garbage, clean my clothes. you just do that and I'll be waiting over here. no I can't do anything to help do anything for myself... don't you know that I'm better than you? oh that's right, you don't know, because you're stupid.
they never want anything from me when I am not doing anything, just when I am talking to someone or trying to better my self (HA! that just sounds so ridiculous - I guess because it is)

I am the cook and the babysitter. not the mom, not Abby, just the cook and just the babysitter and I am just not good enough, so since everyone else can do it better, the family is hiring.