I've been wondering something lately...
well, I've been wondering a couple of things really.
how many people are reading me?
do I know you? and if so how?
some of my readers I know and they comment so I know that I certainly have three readers, but I must wonder if there are more.
so I put a little poll box on the side bar. (look to the right of this text)
I guess I will continue to write my blog, mostly because this is the best I'm getting at keeping a journal/record of my life and my kids lives here.
so answer the poll if you please
and if you wouldn't mind, comment on this post and let me know who you are... do a little shout out.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query journal. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query journal. Sort by date Show all posts
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
after literally months of internal debate
I realize that some of my friends and family read this blog - when I have updated it- but this post is just going in as a record of a part of my life (just as the rest of the blog has been - kind of my journal)
so no sympathy required, I'm just writing this in here as a reminder to myself when I read it next year or several years from now... so be forewarned, this is my pity-party. so if you don't want to hear it you should really skip this post. I mean you REALLY should skip it.
my online store is going to fade away.
I just really can't keep setting myself up to fail. so just in case I forget and try again, let me just remind me.
I know a few people who have stores on the same site as I do and they are enormously successful. I'm happy for them. it's really wonderful that they have been able to find something that they can do well that can serve them so kindly in return. I wish I could be so wonderful. it's just really hard to see their success and their obviously superior skill displayed and snapped up in the same instant and then go back to my sorry little rubbish store and be reminded of just how not great I am...knowing I will never be able to use any of my mediocrity to any advantage.
I'm going to be 36 in a couple of days and there really is no one thing about me that stands out and shines. I still don't really fit anywhere. people like to try to tell me different, but I don't believe them.... I don't count cooking as a talent... everyone can cook, I can't sing, I'm so so not pretty and despite the generic 'you're a great mom' placation I'm really not.
I've never really felt special (except for when mom was here). so I guess this (no store) will just be one less reminder of that nothing specialness.
so no sympathy required, I'm just writing this in here as a reminder to myself when I read it next year or several years from now... so be forewarned, this is my pity-party. so if you don't want to hear it you should really skip this post. I mean you REALLY should skip it.
my online store is going to fade away.
I just really can't keep setting myself up to fail. so just in case I forget and try again, let me just remind me.
I know a few people who have stores on the same site as I do and they are enormously successful. I'm happy for them. it's really wonderful that they have been able to find something that they can do well that can serve them so kindly in return. I wish I could be so wonderful. it's just really hard to see their success and their obviously superior skill displayed and snapped up in the same instant and then go back to my sorry little rubbish store and be reminded of just how not great I am...knowing I will never be able to use any of my mediocrity to any advantage.
I'm going to be 36 in a couple of days and there really is no one thing about me that stands out and shines. I still don't really fit anywhere. people like to try to tell me different, but I don't believe them.... I don't count cooking as a talent... everyone can cook, I can't sing, I'm so so not pretty and despite the generic 'you're a great mom' placation I'm really not.
I've never really felt special (except for when mom was here). so I guess this (no store) will just be one less reminder of that nothing specialness.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
WAY too much information Alert
My blog is kind of my journal after all and I did warn people that it isn't going to be all unicorns all the time on here. Sometimes my life has crappiness and I have crappy feelings.
I'm sure I won't be able to put into exact words what it is that I am going through. maybe someday I might be able to express my feelings adequately but I'll give it a try
I am sad.
Kellan had latch problems when he was born. it lasted for about two weeks or something like that, but because of that I had to pump to allow my breasts to heal because they were blistered, bleeding, and sore. Because of having to pump I had a very close idea of how much milk I was making. Because pumping doesn't empty the milk as effectively as a baby would I don't know the exact amount... however, I knew that I just was NOT making enough. So we tried pumping every two hours and then feed him with a bottle what I just pumped. it didn't take long before he was needing more than I could make and pumping all the time like that leaves me with no time for much else, so my routine was this - pump, feed, change diaper, maybe get a few minutes of snuggle time, hope he stays happy enough for me to pump, repeat. in between that try to get some food for myself. Never mind a shower, I don't have time... and so on.
the fact that my boobs are just not working has been taking a highly emotional toll. I have never had supply problems on this scale before. With Connor he was just eating ALL the time that I was never able to pump a bottle for Tim to feed him, but I always had enough to feed him and keep him alive. But this time... if left up to my body's ability to lactate this time, Kellan would have starved to death a long time ago (makes me feel like crap). because of that we've had to supplement with formula. that makes me feel like crap. Plus formula hurts his tummy and so it is NOT the best thing for him and that too makes me feel like crap. But I think what bothers me the most is this. I've had a couple of people comment, thinking that I feel bad about not having that closeness you have with breastfeeding. yeah a tiny bit, but really it's this - what is supposed to set me apart from every other person in the world in regards to my baby (being able to make food for him) isn't working, so what good am I? I'm no different than anyone else to him. I feel so completely worthless because, hey, now anyone can be his mama.
Now everyone will say "that's not true" and they will try to tell me just how I'm this or that and no one else can this and or that and that is somehow supposed to make me feel like being broken like I am is not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I am broken and I am less and it hurts me.
In an attempt to make me work properly, I've been taking a medicine called Domperidone. it is a dopamine blocker and is supposed to allowe my own prolactin hormones to become effective and therefore allow me to lactate better. even taking this medication I am only able to manage 2 ounces (a rare 3) each time I pump (sometimes a bit less). Kellan needs at least 4. without this medicine I can only manage 3/4 of an ounce with both breasts. for some reason my doctor doesn't seem to think that it is a proven medication and is not going to prescribe it anymore for me so as soon as I run out, that's it.
I'm looking at completely failing and being 100% useless in less than two weeks.
I'm no more than a baby sitter at that point.
so now I will always wonder if I would have ever been successful if we had never gone to a bottle. Kellan would never have known the difference between my useless breasts and a speedy bottle and maybe he would have had to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes like Connor did, but it just might have worked. Now I'll never know.
This doesn't even begin to explain what I'm going through. And I'm sorry if you see me lose it here and there and just cry. I'll try not to cry very long, but it is going to happen from time to time.
I'm sure I won't be able to put into exact words what it is that I am going through. maybe someday I might be able to express my feelings adequately but I'll give it a try
I am sad.
Kellan had latch problems when he was born. it lasted for about two weeks or something like that, but because of that I had to pump to allow my breasts to heal because they were blistered, bleeding, and sore. Because of having to pump I had a very close idea of how much milk I was making. Because pumping doesn't empty the milk as effectively as a baby would I don't know the exact amount... however, I knew that I just was NOT making enough. So we tried pumping every two hours and then feed him with a bottle what I just pumped. it didn't take long before he was needing more than I could make and pumping all the time like that leaves me with no time for much else, so my routine was this - pump, feed, change diaper, maybe get a few minutes of snuggle time, hope he stays happy enough for me to pump, repeat. in between that try to get some food for myself. Never mind a shower, I don't have time... and so on.
the fact that my boobs are just not working has been taking a highly emotional toll. I have never had supply problems on this scale before. With Connor he was just eating ALL the time that I was never able to pump a bottle for Tim to feed him, but I always had enough to feed him and keep him alive. But this time... if left up to my body's ability to lactate this time, Kellan would have starved to death a long time ago (makes me feel like crap). because of that we've had to supplement with formula. that makes me feel like crap. Plus formula hurts his tummy and so it is NOT the best thing for him and that too makes me feel like crap. But I think what bothers me the most is this. I've had a couple of people comment, thinking that I feel bad about not having that closeness you have with breastfeeding. yeah a tiny bit, but really it's this - what is supposed to set me apart from every other person in the world in regards to my baby (being able to make food for him) isn't working, so what good am I? I'm no different than anyone else to him. I feel so completely worthless because, hey, now anyone can be his mama.
Now everyone will say "that's not true" and they will try to tell me just how I'm this or that and no one else can this and or that and that is somehow supposed to make me feel like being broken like I am is not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I am broken and I am less and it hurts me.
In an attempt to make me work properly, I've been taking a medicine called Domperidone. it is a dopamine blocker and is supposed to allowe my own prolactin hormones to become effective and therefore allow me to lactate better. even taking this medication I am only able to manage 2 ounces (a rare 3) each time I pump (sometimes a bit less). Kellan needs at least 4. without this medicine I can only manage 3/4 of an ounce with both breasts. for some reason my doctor doesn't seem to think that it is a proven medication and is not going to prescribe it anymore for me so as soon as I run out, that's it.
I'm looking at completely failing and being 100% useless in less than two weeks.
I'm no more than a baby sitter at that point.
so now I will always wonder if I would have ever been successful if we had never gone to a bottle. Kellan would never have known the difference between my useless breasts and a speedy bottle and maybe he would have had to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes like Connor did, but it just might have worked. Now I'll never know.
This doesn't even begin to explain what I'm going through. And I'm sorry if you see me lose it here and there and just cry. I'll try not to cry very long, but it is going to happen from time to time.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
blah dee blah blah
I've recently been (by a sibling) told to just suck it up (not about my blog... no one in my family ever reads it anyway even though they know I have one.) ... however, I feel as though I should apologize for my self loathing and self pity party on here from last month. it's kind of caused some issues...
but I can't say that I didn't warn. I have mentioned that this is in many ways my journal for my life. you can't honestly say that you haven't had crappy days that you just couldn't contain yourself. but I am not going to promise that my entries are going to be all sun shine and rainbows. in fact i won't promise that at all, because they just won't be.
and truly I don't write everything in here. i have some really really horrible moments, and I likewise have some really really awesome! moments too.
in fact just yesterday after a really really horrible moment I came in and checked my email for my store and found that at that moment things turned into a really really awesome! moment. I had a customer last December buy a pattern/chart from me and they finished up the blanket. they took a couple of pictures and sent them to me. it looked Amazing! if I hadn't known that I was the designer I would have been jealous, it was that great.
and now for something completely different
my baby... he's so silly.
I had made a beanie hat a couple of years ago. I had it at a couple of craft sales and I had it listed in my shop and no one wanted it. I really felt like nobody is giving it a chance. however, at one of the craft sales, I had a girl try it on and really loved it, but didn't want a beanie style... she wanted a longer hat.
okay.
so I revisited that hat. I've been meaning to do it for so many months now, but yesterday I decided that it really had to be done.
Ronan put it on last night and wanted me to take his picture.
the first is him being his regular silly self.
and this second is just so adorable - even if he is wearing a girl hat
remind me to tell about his oral surgery from last month... (I'll have to get Tim to send me the pictures so I can post those too)
but I can't say that I didn't warn. I have mentioned that this is in many ways my journal for my life. you can't honestly say that you haven't had crappy days that you just couldn't contain yourself. but I am not going to promise that my entries are going to be all sun shine and rainbows. in fact i won't promise that at all, because they just won't be.
and truly I don't write everything in here. i have some really really horrible moments, and I likewise have some really really awesome! moments too.
in fact just yesterday after a really really horrible moment I came in and checked my email for my store and found that at that moment things turned into a really really awesome! moment. I had a customer last December buy a pattern/chart from me and they finished up the blanket. they took a couple of pictures and sent them to me. it looked Amazing! if I hadn't known that I was the designer I would have been jealous, it was that great.
and now for something completely different
my baby... he's so silly.
I had made a beanie hat a couple of years ago. I had it at a couple of craft sales and I had it listed in my shop and no one wanted it. I really felt like nobody is giving it a chance. however, at one of the craft sales, I had a girl try it on and really loved it, but didn't want a beanie style... she wanted a longer hat.
okay.
so I revisited that hat. I've been meaning to do it for so many months now, but yesterday I decided that it really had to be done.
Ronan put it on last night and wanted me to take his picture.
the first is him being his regular silly self.
and this second is just so adorable - even if he is wearing a girl hat
remind me to tell about his oral surgery from last month... (I'll have to get Tim to send me the pictures so I can post those too)
Monday, July 7, 2008
Intro
This is my first blog that I might actually be willing to share with people. That's right... I'm hopping on the blog wagon.
I really don't know how well I will keep it up, and I don't think much of it will be interesting but I guess in a way this is the best I'm going to do by way of a journal for a while.
For starters I will show you a lovely picture I took this weekend. I like roses. Usually dark, rich colors are my favorite, but this rose looked like frosting and I thought it was lovely.
Eventually I will post pictures of my charming children and write about the things they do to make me laugh or cry or whatever. But today I have things to do that will keep me from my photographs.
So this is my blog. Feel free to comment.
(any pictures posted in this blog are ones I have taken. I'm not being modest when I say I don't think I'm that great, but if you like it let me know. Also if you think it's a horrible picture let me know what you think would make it better. I really do want to know)
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